I Thought I’d Be Better at This
Author’s note: I wanted to share this because when I reread it I thought it was beautiful and meaningful and that people SHOULD get to read it. It’s 100% where I was at on the day it was written, many months ago now and there are days 8 months later I very much still feel all of these things. It was written in October of 2022.
When I started writing I promised myself that if I were going to write about my life I was going to be honest and transparent whenever possible. Over the years I’ve shared about breakups, betrayals, failures, unemployment, and more with as much humor, honestly, and raw emotion as I can and that’s a standard I want to uphold so I’m writing this post while it’s raw and fresh…
Call it arrogance or stupidity but perhaps the hardest adjustment to being married for me has been that I thought I’d be better at it. I thought being a wife would come easily and naturally to me. When I pictured it I was putting home cooked meals on the table, keeping the house beautiful, and being fun and maybe even occasionally spontaneous while still working 2-3 jobs and making it to church and bible study on time. The reality is that Blake does 90% of the cooking and in two months of being married I’m not sure our clothes have ever been clean all at once. The house never seems to look exactly like I want it too and I’ve suffered friend guilt from trying to be there for my people while trying to also be home and present more often. It’s been two months and I’m still not done with my name change (the paperwork feels endless some weeks) and I’m just now getting a grip on our financial plan. It took me months longer than I wanted to get all my thank you cards out. Our new wills need witnessed and signed. Read: I feel behind and a little scattered more often than I feel awesome. I sound like a nag more often than I sound fun or spontaneous.
The first big come-to-Jesus Blake and I had (only a few weeks in, mind you) I remember saying: my whole life people have told me I’m good with money and a good cook and they’re the two things you complain about the most! I don’t even know how that happened. I was cruising through life feeling like Dave Ramsey & Paula Deen’s could-have-been-child and then I got married and it turns out I wasn’t even killing it at those.
Why share my shortcomings? Because this is life as much as it’s marriage. We can bust our butts (and trust me, I do) but still never get things just right. I was baking a cake for a coworker at 6am while vacuuming and even snuck in a workout but when I left for work the laundry still needed put away and the floors were sticky. What drives me crazy about adulthood is that no one ever warned me that there will be a million days your best doesn’t feel good enough. After a childhood of being told to just ‘do your best’ you realize that no one cares if it was your best they care if it was right. That you have to leave your personal life at home when you step into work and your work at the door when you step into home and some weeks you’ll feel like you’re not doing enough at either.
If I were reading this as you I guess I’d be hoping at the end I’d offer some sort of solution. Not sure I can do that but I can offer hope. Here’s what I remind myself on the weeks that feel like I’m not killing it in any one area: people are my legacy. My floors are sticky and my hairs in a ponytail and my savings could be bigger but I’m loving people hard. Even on the days I have tough conversations with employees who need direction (or correction) and I get in the car feeling exhausted. Even on the days I’m not as fun or spontaneous as I wish I were. Even on the days I wish I were smarter, prettier, thicker skinned, or better at a million different things. On the many days that feel like an apology tour. I try to come back to this: love never fails. If we run hard after loving well then we can’t either, right?
I thought I’d be better at this and that it would come more easily to me but I keep coming back to this: ‘these three remain: faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love’. Love definitely remains and I’m convinced it will always win.
